"Worth The Pain"
Sobriety is a funny thing. We fight so hard to quit doing drugs, drinking, having sex or looking at pornography, but even when we quit these things we are still stuck in our own prison of unhappiness. Just because you get sober doesn’t mean you’re going to automatically have this “happily ever after” life! That is what I had to figure out. When I was 8 months old I was abandoned by my mother. She left me on my grandma’s front porch, so my dad raised me. She just left a note that said “I can’t do this anymore.” I was this woman’s one responsibly and she didn’t want me. This led to a very long battle of abandonment issues that ran so deep I started drinking at the age of 12 just to fit in. But I didn’t drink like everyone else. I wanted to get drunk. I wanted to drown out the voice that kept saying, “This is all your fault. If you would have acted better she would have wanted to be your momma.” When the drinking wasn’t enough to cover my pain but was instead causing more pain, I started to look for another fix. That fix would come through boys. I would sleep with anyone that would give me attention. Once they got what they wanted, they would leave just like everyone else had my whole life. Then I would have all these abandonment and rejection issues again. When I was 19 I started dating a boy and, of course, I slept with him on our first date. Can you guess what happened next? Yes, we got pregnant. I actually thought I had found the one thing to complete me or make me happy. I could have this kid, play house and be the mom I never had. The problem with that was; I didn’t know how. If we don’t know how to stop what has happened in the past then we will repeat it. That’s exactly what I did. I repeated it. I left my son when he was 8 months old, just like my mom had left me when I was 8 months old. And this is when I tried meth for the first time.
The first hit was amazing. It burned as it slid down the back of my throat and then, euphoria; a rush like never before, and the hairs on my head stood up. I could feel my eyes dilating and bulging out. The tingles went from to top of my head to the bottom of my feet. My mind was as clear as it had ever been. I fell in love with those little white lines. It was one of the best things I had ever tried. It was my first hit of meth and it was like nothing I had ever experienced. What I didn't know is, this drug would grip me like a python and it was going to suck the last breath out of my lungs.
I needed to get high because nothing else was taking my hurt and pain away. So, one day, I was snorting as much as I could, trying to smoke every last drop in the pipe. At first, nothing seemed to be happening, but then it did. My heart started racing and my body sweating. It felt like a car was on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. In that moment, I thought that was the end and I didn’t even care. I was overdosing and my body was shutting down. But, for the first time in a while, I thought of my son. I thought of his sky blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. I could see his smile and hear his laugh. I started screaming on the inside, “wait, wait! I don't want to die like this! I don't want to be remembered as a meth addict with sores all over my body and my face sunk in!” You see, my son was about to turn one and even though he didn’t know it, his own mother was getting ready to die, not getting ready for his party.
Laying there in that bed, looking up to the ceiling, I was helpless. I realized that I ended up becoming the one person I didn’t want to be; my mother, abandoning her child. A long time ago, I made a promise to myself that I would never become her. I judged her and hated her for the pain she caused me. But, for the first time, in that moment, I had an ounce of forgiveness for my mom. I felt compassion for her story. I thought about the life I was living. How did I get here when I said I would never become this? It was supposed to be just at a little party and I just wanted to try meth once, but it led to this. The truth is, this overdose was just an outward reflection of how dead I was on the inside. I was dead inside way before I let this drug control me. See, the drug was just a symptom of my internal battle and struggle that I had been dealing with my whole life.
So, after this there were a few other times that I almost lost my life. But I finally realized that if I didn’t get sober, I was going to die. So I started my journey to detox. But that next year was the hardest year of my life. Relapse after relapse, I didn’t think I would ever stay clean until I found someone to help me have a different life. This person told me I had to stop wallowing in my past mistakes and pain and look forward to the future! So I went on this journey of finding me, embracing my purpose and living my best life now. Of course it’s all about finding Jesus. We can’t do this alone. You can get sober but true joy and happiness and peace comes from a life lived for him! So I have been sober for 16 years. I have been married to the man of my dreams for almost 15 years and we have 3 kids together. My son that I left is now 17 and is the most amazing kid ever.
Jesus healed my past, helped me to love my present and I know He has a good future for me!
I think about my book, Worth the Pain: My Journey from Meth to Ministry as a map out of hell. A way out for so many people stuck in this life style!!
I wrote this book for YOU that hopeless one in a hotel room who wants to end your life. I wrote this for YOU, the drug addict that wants to give up because they can’t overcome the addiction. I wrote this for YOU, the girl who thinks the world is out to get her by the crappy life she was handed.
Rejection, addiction, emptiness, brokenness, hopelessness; These feelings can destroy our lives. I was broken beyond hope, but this is my story of finding hope and redemption! If God can transform a life like mine He can do it for you no matter what your story is. You just have to surrender! You have to choose to trust in the midst of the pain. I am crazy enough to believe by you reading my book that God can grab ahold of your heart and remind you that you are loved, valued, and believed in. The you will start to believe that God has a plan and your story isn’t over. It is just about to start. If He did it for me, He can do it for you. It is my prayer that one day you too will be able to say it is worth the pain. And I promise, the life God has for you, it is Worth the Pain.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story!!
Worth the Pain, My Journey from Meth to Ministry